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Citan Uzuki / Hyuga Ricdeau Fan Community

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~How can I stop now, is there nothing I can do?~ [Dec. 18th, 2004|04:20 pm]
Citan Uzuki / Hyuga Ricdeau Fan Community

hyuricdeau

[jyuufish]
[music |A-ha - I've Been Losing You (ext)]

Fandom:  Xenogears
Pairing:  Sigurd and Citan, Implied Citan and Yui.  (It is implied male male relationship.. you cannot handle that sort of thing then do us a favor and don't click on the link)
Song:  "I've Been Losing You" by A-ha
Rating/Warning:  Pretty tame.  Despite some allusions to male / male relationship.. Sigurd doesn't even curse all that much
Comments:  Stuff like this reassures me that my writing motivation is not done for.  It isn't beta'd.   I rarely beta.  When I write, I write better when I'm not thinking about punctuation, or grammer.. I'm just writing from a different part of myself.   So if the occasional mistake is made, it's just made so that I can further concentrate on emmersing myself in the emotions that I want to convey.



"It wasn't the rain that washed away
Rinsed out the colours of your eyes"


After the fiascal with Bartholomew and the military gear sinking underneath the sand, Sigurd Harcourt wiped the sweat away from his brow and straightened his form so that he was looking right out the screen at the area of ground that had engulfed the two gears.  One single luminous blue eye peered out from behind a lock of waterfall silky silver hair and the corner of that eye was twitching with a slight wrinkle.   The gifting result of 12 years putting up with the young master's tomfoolery.   This situation was no different then the other times that Sigurd was called on to deal with something like this.

"Sir... we have the survivors of the transport ship gathered upon the deck.   In fact there is a Dr. Uzuki on board who wants to speak to the person in charge, evidentally he has connections with the gear that the young master was on."  Maitreya called from the sliding door entrance of the bridge.

"Well Maison, it seems that my job is never done."  Sigurd chuckled softly, addressing the white haired retainer of the Fatima dynasty.   He noted the way the man was pacing a trail through even the thrice folded steel of the floor and so in an effort to reassure him, he walked over and stilled Maison's movements with his hand against a shoulder.   "Do not worry about Bartholomew.."  Sigurd voice was soothing, a trait that had taken him some twelve years to develop and wasn't even so long in the making.   Only the past couple of years had he become aware of the passage of time and his age.  "He'll make it out, he has the blood of survivors in his veins."  Sigurd voice was sagely, a soft smile quirking against the right side of his lip when he saw Maison's shoulders untense.

"I know you are right, Master Sigurd.  It is just that I worry about you both so much.   After all the Fatima Dynasty.."  Maison started to say.

"... must be preserved.  Yes I know... and it will be preserved.   We've come to far for it not to be."  Sigurd flicked his wayward lock of hair out of his eye and took a few steps backwards.  "Now to meet with this doctor, perhaps I can gauge what type of company the young master is in."  Sigurd then swiveled on his white leather booted heel and headed out of the door.  His stride remiscent of the boy that he had been yet holding tendrils of the man that he had inevitably become.

With a rigid and unyeilding purpose Sigurd made his way up to the deck, moving past the people who were gathered in the general area.  A few calm inquiries and he was pointed toward the bow of the craft where it seemed that the doctor had gone to escape to quietude.  With the throng of people, Sigurd could not fault the man for wanting that much.   Scaling up the steps with his hand caressing the handrails, he paused at the very top step.

The doctor's back was toward him, giving him a chance to see if he could read off the vibes of emotion.   Closing his eye, it was easy to let his empathy take over completely.   Normally with Sigurd's empathic ability, it was easy to read people.. to know them before they spoke those words of truth and lies that was merely a product of human nature.   He stood there for a moment as he reached out.

~Almost there... so close.~  Reaching out.. feeling out.  Trying to grasp any bit of emotion that would come into play.   And yet.  He ran into a wall.  A hard and impenetrable wall.

His eye opened abruptly and perhaps in more then a little bit of shock.   It was extremely rare for him to find someone who could easily ward off an empathic probe.   Rarer that the person did not even know that he was there.   Only one other person had been able to successfully ward off any probes, and that person had been relegated to the past.

"Putting the gun down on the bedside table
I must have realized;
It wasn't the rain
That made no difference"


Without comprehension Sigurd looked at the tailored emerald silk covered back, the black hair that was on the longish side and using the rather broad shoulder as a crutch of stability.   There was a shuffle of movement and then the man turned his head, revealing the gold rim of spectacles that caught the glint of the slowly setting symphony of the desert sun.

Uncertain with the sun blinding his eye, he stepped forward.  "Good Afternoon, I am the First Mate of the Yggsdrasil and I have come to perhaps gather some information from you regarding the gear that was sent sinking into the sand with the Captain's gear.   I am pretty sure you are curious about the same thing."  Sigurd waited for the sun to move away so that he could look at the man without having to squint his one good eye.

There was a shift, the man turned around enough so that Sigurd could catch the movement.  The wall slipped, enough that Sigurd could feel something slam into him.   A breathlessness.   He was confused slightly, the sun continuing to battle his eye.

"Sigurd.. Harcourt?"

Words of recognition.  A tone of voice that Sigurd had not heard in years though the voice had deepened a trace.   Sigurd cursed the sun and charged forward with the fire's perchant for recklessness.   In a motion of easy grace, he grabbed those shoulders and side stepped both of them until it was the other man who was facing the sun.   It took a moment of adjusting however when his eyes did adjust to the lessening of light, he found himself staring into dark fathomless chocolate eyes, the likes of which he could never forget.  Ever.

Any sort of words did not flow immediately.  No he was too busy looking over a man that he had not seen some twelve years.  And yet had that same man had carried his heart far longer then that particular span of time.   Hair that was longer, yet still held that ebony shine of midnight's secret, chiseled features that were elegant and graceful, and lips that had always parted ever so slightly when surprised or confused.  Just like now.    Most importantly, he could feel the leak of emotion behind that stoic facade.  Those walls were high but Sigurd knew underneath existed an extremely passionate soul, rich in emotion and just as beautiful.  Almost comparable to biting into the hard shell of a chocolate truffle, and having one's palate assaulted with the sticky sweet confections that lay inside.

"Hyu..."  Sigurd said whisperingly and with more emotion then he had thought himself capable of these long and lonely days.  "How?  Why?"  Temporarily bereft of words, part of him wanted to grab his own friend and lover and kiss him, hug him, asking him how the twelve years have been for him, rejoicing in the fact that his angel had finally fallen to earth to be with him.   Thinking like a boy of eighteen instead of a man of twenty-nine. "Oh gods, it is good to -see- you, Hyu."

He could not help it, could not stop himself from wrapping his arms around those shoulders and submitting himself to an embrace that he had needed to create between them.   He wanted to be unmindful of the passage of time.  At the moment that did not matter, the only thing that did was that his Hyu was back with him.

Slowly he felt fingers slip between them, press against his chest.  At first he thought that Hyuga, his Hyu was going to slip those hands around his shoulders and give way to the sweet reunion tribute of a kiss.  He expected it, he geared himself up for it.   But then a wave of backlash pain hit him.. at the same moment that those fingers pushed him away.   So slender and long those fingers were with memories of stolen midnight caresses attached to them.   And yet those same fingers pushed him away.  Sigurd had never seen it coming.

With disbelief he started backwards, his right leg going behind to still him from completely toppling over upon the steel deck with the aftercurrent of the subtle rejection.  Though the railing helped quite a bit.   Sigurd absently wondered if the sun had sunken enough so that Hyuga could see the expression on his face.   Or was he still caught in the glare of the sun, a sun that had turned from kind to cruel with the passage of but a few moments.

"And I could have sworn it wasn't me
Yet I did it all so coldly
...almost slowly
Pain for all to see.."


~Why?~  Sigurd inquired, a silent plea that he hoped that his companion could answer.   No words spilled from those lips but slowly Hyuga raised his left hand.  It was a silent gesture but when he looked upon the ring finger of that hand, he saw a glint of gold that said more then any words could of.   In fact Sigurd knew he would of hated them had they been spoken, it did not mean that he further approved of the ring that graced that finger.

"Ah.. I see."  Sigurd said, his voice resorting to something that seemed rather lackluster to the both of them.   Sigurd turned around and placed his hands on the railings.  Gripping it until his knuckles turned white, while he himself counted to ten in order to avoid setting anything on fire with his ether abilities.   The sun had ceased to be cruel, it was certainly kinder then the artificial sun personified by the gold of the wedding ring. 

"Sigurd.  I can explain if you wish it of me."  Hyuga's voice was careful of making a mistake, of saying anything that would jar the feelings of this fragile moment.  Sigurd could tell that much and while normally he had been appreciative of the other's tact.  Right now it was sorely displaced.

"Don't bother.. right now I don't want to know."  Sigurd growled out. ~My Hyu.. married.   When did it happen.. damn it I waited for him...~  His mind screamed even when he remained completely silent, there with the sun gradually sinking down into the horizon.  "No explanation needed, after all we have our seperate lives, right?"  Bitterness could not be stopped from moisturizing those words.   As much as Sigurd tried to keep that unpleasant part of himself out of the tangle, it was nearly impossible.

"It -was- twelve years ago."  Hyuga's whisper reached Sigurd's ears and he turned around.

"Twelve years ago?!  You talk as if it were a fling.."  Ready to show his anger, to personify his hurt into something valid and tangible.   His singular blue eye flashed, even as he saw those silk clad shoulders tense as if gearing up for any lash that was incomming.   Sigurd gritted his teeth to keep away the emotional pain that stabbed into his psyche and he would of bitten his tongue too, anything to feel the red blood that was proof of his existance.. to know that he was awake and that this was not some horrible nightmare.

"You know -very- well that it was never a fling between us."  Hyuga tried to soothe the now savage beast.   Never did he raise his voice nor appear as if he was going to react or attack to Sigurd's projectile words.  "Life happened along the way.."  Hyuga made a sweeping motion with his hand, to indicate the entire sandship Yggsdrasil.  "We were merely caught in the undertow."

"You must have made him a very happy man.. hnnn?" Sigurd's voice was slightly cool, or as cool as he could make it.  His eyes lingering on the ring overmuch, each glint made his heart ache just a little bit more.  "Is he good to you? Do you love him?"  These questions aimed with lightening speed at Hyuga, barely giving Hyuga a chance to field them.

"What has made you believe that it was a man?"

Oh c'mon please now
Talk to me
Tell me; things I could find helpful
How can I stop now...
Is there nothing I can do
I have lost my way
I've been losing you"


Successfully fielded and likewise leaving Sigurd bereft of words.  Sigurd had wanted to assume that it had been a man, because he had wanted to believe that he had shaped Hyuga's whole sexuality along the way.  Though deep dwon Sigurd realized that if shaping had come into play, Sigurd had wanted Hyuga to be Sigurd-centric.  To love and want only him.

"Your last name.. Uzuki.   I would assume that a man gave you that last name."  Sigurd had to calm himself down in order to answer that question.   It was a common conclusion to draw and Sigurd had forgotten the complexities that seemed to wrap around Hyuga's life.   Even back in Jugend, there had always been more then meets the eye

"Not necessarily..."  Hyuga murmured and bowed his head. "There are alot of things that you are not aware of.   A great many things that you would not understand..."  Hyuga took a few steps and went to lean against the railing, to resume the position that he had maintained previously.   His body was everything that was graceful and fluid, causing Sigurd to reach up and run a fingertip underneath his eye to silence a misgotten tear before it even had the chance to speak.

"Then tell me Hyuga.   Tell me!  Is this a marriage of convenience?  Do you love him or her, gods I don't care what gender that person is.   The only thing I care about is that they stole you from me."  Sigurd said, reaching over to place his hand over Hyuga's, to keep Hyuga from moving away.   He stared at that profile, never once retracting his gaze.

"Just like the surface and your half brother -stole- you from me?"  Hyuga's voice became frigid as he shrugged away that hand.  "But I had let you go... because in the end, I knew that you could not live with yourself if you had continued the way that you were living." 

"Those situations are not the same!" Sigurd shouted, his voice becoming hoarse from the tone of his voice and the passion with which he yelled.

"They are more alike then you could possibly realize.   If you love someone, you will let them free.  If they do not come back to you, they were never meant to be yours in the first place."  Sigurd could hear the slight choking of Hyuga's voice, masked by the force of voice into something calm and rationale.   Something to belie the pain that even know Sigurd could feel radiating off Hyuga.

"Damn it, Hyu.. I never meant to.."   Sigurd reached out, tried to grasp at Hyuga, to pull him in and comfort him with his embrace.  However his fingers met nothing but air even as he saw Hyuga pull away a few feet to distance each other from one another.

"Our time... it is over.   I am married to a wonderful woman, and I would sooner kill myself then betray her.  I have a beautiful daughter whom I love more then life itself.   I cannot.. Sigurd..."   Hyuga's voice traced with stoic sadness that would survive, that would keep on living.

"I refuse to give you up to the past!"  Sigurd called out to Hyuga's slowly retreating form.  Tears gathering into his eyes.  Later he would compose himself.. but right now, he could not.  He could not quell the overwhelming heart-jerking emotion that saw fit to visit upon him in a moment that had never been opportune.

"I can still hear our screams competing
You're hissing your s's like a snake
Now in the mirror stands
Half a man
I thought no one could break"


"You must..."  Trailing with a tenuous sadness that clinged to the now red and purpled sky of dusk.

Sigurd did not know how long he was out there on the deck, with his hands over the railings as he watched the stars go their route throughout the endless eternity of night.   He could not of counted the tears that washed over his cheeks, from both his good eye and the one badly scarred and damaged one underneath the eyepatch.   He knew that he would have to clean it out once he returned to his room, to make sure that the saline did not cling to his eye and leave an infection.   For right now though he had to mourn the past, he had to try to bury it just like Hyuga had done.

But to himself, Hyuga was not a lifeless corpse, but had reaffirmed his existance in the space of a few hours.

~How can I bury him, when I have seen him..  how can I bury something still so very much alive?"~,  Asking it to the sky as if it was the easiest matter in the world to answer and solve.

But then some things, so Hyuga had taught him, were never easy to solve.   It took strength and conviction and a matter of time.   One of the few moments that Sigurd wished he had never recalled Hyuga's words.  Coming from a seventeen year old, they seemed so sage at the time, but on further reflection.. it was only common sense.

"Do you still look at the stars and think of me?  Or have you given that up to?"  Sigurd murmured bitterly to no one in particular as he fixed his gaze upon one single bright and shining star.   A star that back in Solaris they had claimed for their own.

"I promise you Sigurd, that as long as that star shines, so will my love for you shine.   And every night that it remains in the night sky, I will look upon it and think of you.."

"Why have you not gone out yet.." Sigurd hissed upward at the sky, the star catching his eye and reflecting into it.   It hurt that everything could stay the same.   This was not heralded by the crash of lightening or the quaking of the earth.   It was almost anti-climatic and a bit lowering that his feelings had not the power that he had thought they had.

The sound of footsteps came up behind him and still Sigurd did not look over his shoulder, keeping his eyes pinned on that unforgiveable star.  It did not matter, it was not whom he wanted.

"Master Sigurd.   Dinner has been done with some hours past.   Please come in and get something to eat.."  Maison entreated him in that kindly voice that Sigurd could never refuse.

Sigurd pushed himself off the railing and sighed.  "I am not hungry, Maison..."  But then at Maison's quiet and hopeful eyes, he caved completely. ".. But I think I could manage to get down a few spoonfuls.."

"That's a good boy.." Maison said as he took Sigurd's arm and started to lead him away from the scene of so much heartache and pain.  And while remaining so oblivious to it all.  "Cook made some excellent sand crab stew and I know that is your favorite..."   The attention caused Sigurd to smile softly, knowing that no matter what... he still had a home here.  It had been his home and place for so many years.

"It wasn't the rain
That made no difference
...nervously drumming on:  Run away
But I want the guilt to get me
Thoughts to wreck me
Preying on my mind"


They walked to the hatch and Sigurd held it open for Maison to climb down.   He glanced up at the stern of the boat though, and he saw a form standing there at the railing.   He paused briefly, his eye could not tear him from that sight despite the mental worrying of his bruised psyche.   Moonlight glinted on those locks of raven and highlighted them in such a beguiling way.

"Why can you not be mine.."  He whispered to himself.  A moment when he could observe Hyuga with his own eye and not be disturbed.   His attention was caught by the direction that Hyuga was looking.   His eye softened.

Upward.

He knew exactly where Hyuga was looking at, for he had looked there but a few moments ago.   His heart welled with the knowledge that Hyuga had not forgotten their promise despite the ways their world's and seperated and then so suddenly collided.    That was enough for Sigurd at the moment, it would allow him to go on with his life.   It would allow him to work, safe with the knowledge that the heart had never been betrayed.

"I love you..."  He whispered it, hoping that the star would siphon it up toward the heavens and then shine it down, acting as a heavenly courier so that Hyuga could feel it in the cool starlight that touched his face.

"Please now
Talke to me
Tell me; things I could find helpful
For how can I stop now...
Is there nothing I can do
I have lost my way..
I've been losing you"


Sigurd went down to the kitchens, knowing without a doubt that it would reach it's mark.

And it did.

-------- Fin ---------

"I've been Losing You" by A-ha

Songfic by Nia Westphal



Now for the bathtime that I've been putting off because the writing muse was busy kicking my ass.   I think I deserve it.  *satisfied sigh*
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: miraba
2004-12-19 02:52 am (UTC)

on betas

A beta is someone who proofreads a story and does said spelling/grammar/characterization/plot checks. Unless you hate the idea of anyone critizing your work, you'd be wise to get one. All writers, no matter how good, need someone to check their writing.
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[User Picture]From: jyuufish
2004-12-19 03:35 am (UTC)

Re: on betas

Thank you for your suggestions, however I do not want one.. I am fairly sure that I do need one but it is not important to me.
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[User Picture]From: littletrowa
2005-02-04 12:24 pm (UTC)

*___*

Wow. Just wow. That is so amazingly beautiful.

I've got tears in my eyes, such a fool. You cannot believe how much this fic has touched me. Just... everything, how you wrote it -- the words they exchanged, or maybe the music I was playing while I read -- which amusingly enough, wasn't A-ha, but Creid, Mebius. o_o

*cough* Anyways. Just beautiful, Nia. I loved their exchange of words and as I started to read it I realized what it was -- the meeting after 12 years apart and it was just so well written and perfect. I love the ache I get for Sigurd's pain -- like it was my own, just tearing against my heart like that. That is a good fic -- one where you feel like it is you -- there is no story, but it is real and its happening as you read it. I could just feel the sun and the wind tossing Citan's hair. GRAH. You have to write more on this. I'm not sure if you can -- but it would just be so lovely.

Oh, and I love how you write Sigurd! I think you got his expressions, his feelings and anger to a T here. So well. I'd even go as far to say you write him much better than me. ; And I sulk, for I know for sure I have 'bonded him by now, and I'd like to write him better, but from this point on whose to say how much he will change from the real Sigurd, ne?

Sorry to be so long with the reply, but I like to give good feedback for fics and such. Especially one that's touched me so much.

I kind of wish it hadn't ended. Okay, I'm done gushing really. Hadn't read this until now -- and yeah. <3 really liked it.
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[User Picture]From: jyuufish
2005-02-04 07:10 pm (UTC)

Re: *___*

Damn it, Yo-kun.. had you told me that you were reading my fics, I would of sent you the song that goes with this one. X_x; When you asked for A-ha music, I wasn't sure.

I have already written a-ha fics for Citan and Yui, Sigurd was the next rational choice. Citan's been the benefactor of many songfics. It's just how I've intellectualized and envisioned their relationship in my own head.. and sometimes I get images that need to be written, when I was listening to this song for the first time, I immediately got slammed with images.

I never have much faith in my writing unless I get caught up in the emotions, this was one of them.. it was poignant.. and I like that about this fic.. yet you get a glimmer of hope at the end.

But yes, thank you.. no gushing! *Hugs* You are a good writer as well.. now to respond to your post. ^_^
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(Deleted comment)
[User Picture]From: jyuufish
2005-03-14 10:56 pm (UTC)
Ummmm...
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[User Picture]From: fade_7
2005-03-14 11:21 pm (UTC)

Because of my random prommotion comment before...

For anyone that's interested!

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